It's because the same thing again.

Hello , I'm here blogging again , and still from the same cause that caused me to blog here.
Yesterday was a good day , at least it was, until I've meet her again.
Marathon at 21st of Nov , 2010 .
it was my 1st time participate in the activity , a world-wide activity , global!
even with only 2 hours sleep for 2 days, but i seriously had lots of fun there... such a memorable day

everything was so good until i went to have my movie at Queensbay,
i don't know whether i was lucky or what..i saw her there..a person who i wished to see, between many people out there...it eventually drove my crazy , and i doesn't feel good at all..
i wished to see , but when i saw , i doesn't feel alright..was that wish just a motivation for myself?
or just another excuse for myself?

Finally i have my time to have a good rest , but it wasn't peace at all..everytime before i sleep, i will ask myself whether what happened in the day , and if it's a good day or no..
but when i asked myself what had happened today..i can't straightly tell it out..i don't know..
i seriously don't know..
after had 12 hours of sleeps , woke up with a damn depressed and stressed feel..i doesn't feel alright at all..im NOT........OMG...im just feel like collapsing..
why when things happened , i can't tell her , why when i need someone to talk to , i will never be able to talk to her.. she will never be my listener , never..
i don't know what i want , i don't know what i looking for , i don't know what is going on..
i have the feel of losing everything in the world again , it's the feel i been scaring of..
im sure im MAD..
i wanna chat , but who can i to? what to? and am i really want to chat? or i just don want myself to have the time to think?
im just fucking gone mad again..how can get rid of this?
i want this god damn feel get away from me..it makes my day down , i feel everythings goes wrong , my life has goes wrong as well , i need someone to talk to , but i don't even know who to talk to...................
FML seriously........

天空

今天的天空，比昨天的灰多了，然而今天我说的是天气，而不是心情..
到了游泳池旁，望着灰沉沉的天空，心情也不是很自在
看到了与以往不一样的天气，灰色天空与滴滴落下的雨滴，思索开始转动了..
想想为何每次当心情不好时，总会想泡在泳池中，然后开始在这里找回那放松的心情，
今天才开始明白了，是因为，在这附近的每棵树，每片叶，每个情景，都存在了回忆，
所有的回忆: 我认识妳之前，想认识妳时，在认识妳时，想念妳，思念妳
种种的感觉: 期待，快乐，等待，希望，绝望，伤心
复杂的心情，我是乎都一一的寻回了。。。
在游泳时想了想，在发现，原来就是能力的问题。。。能力。。。
到现在，仍然是没有能力的，只是个学生的我，又能做什么?
而目前，我该注意的，应该是如何取得这个能力。。把书读好？把人际关系搞好？就能取得未来的成功吗？
十八了，对某些人来说，还是相当年轻，不过对于我来说，终觉得有点老了，哈哈。。
已不能像以前般得过且过，开始想好好的管理我的时间，管理金钱，开始想有点储蓄的感觉..
有个朋友，在最近与他认识的更深后，才发现原来他真的很不错，才发现他原来比我好多了。
身为大哥的他，需要照顾好弟妹们，更需成为他们的榜样， 有着那一股责任感的他，远比我这生为别人的弟弟的我好多了，依赖性超强的我，从小就只懂依赖着父母与姐姐们。。终是想从现在开始慢慢改变，虽然我懂得体会别人，然而我开始觉得我所谓的体会与关心，都已经成为了多余的一切，关心不该关心的，然而那些我应该关心的，我却好像忽略了。。

我想开始慢慢改变了，对于不该多余的关心，我不该再给与了。。
我开始会想把一些所谓的特权存于未来的“她”。。有些以往对每个人都说得话，我已不再说了，因为我开始发现，当这些话，若你对任何人都说得话，那对于你那特别的他又有什么特别的呢？
而若某个人需要帮助时，你也给与帮助，若当那特别的他需要时，难道就是一视同仁的意识？

今天终有种想要唱歌的感觉，复杂的心情，我也不想再去想了，然而过了今天，一切将回复正常


慢慢改变，改变就好；慢慢习惯，习惯就好。。

Time..

When i almost got it down , why came back and brought everything up again..
after brought everything there , and you leave them here without a reason again..

i tried not to think, but i just couldn't control myself..
what were you trying to tell me? hinting? or just being polite and answering what I'm asking?
Im not that great anymore..im no longer be able to giving out without getting anything in return to and from you...and what im asking for wasn't greedy anyway, what i wanted all the time was just an answer from you..
just a simple Yes .. and im willing to wait no matter how long is it..
it's feel so bad to pretend that im good , im fine , im alrite infront of others when im NOT REALLY GOOD AT ALL...i just couldn't stop myself from myself from thinking what you've told me..
Laughter and smile , the best pretending way to show that im good..and im learning all these stuffs daily..
i thought i won't be emo anymore.. but as usual , a single word from you , unintentionally break my world..
i just couldn't do anything with all my frustrated mood..when friends is in trouble , i tried my best to help, to consult , to console..
why when it's my turn , i just couldn't cheer myself up? now i see what others call that when the things not happening on you,yourself..it's always easy..when things happen on you, and now u know how hard is it to get over these stuff..

You've became the center of my world again, whatever im doing is like for your sake.. i want to care , i want to mind , but i just couldn't get my way..now i see why a simple greet to the 'beloved' one can be so hard when the same thing is applying on other person..
your sweetness voice..when i hear it again, i will never want it to reaches an end..
and i just realized..i couldn't be able to listen to your voice anytime i want anymore..
the bubbles is no longer here..and im no longer can listen to your voice anymore..

looking at your picture , giving me a motivation , to work hard , to think for future..
and sometime , i even thought of, what if i've became a millionaire..will thing be way much easier than what happening now? did my mind just filled with all the golds & money? everything is confusing me..i asked myself what is all these thinking for? when they're like an unachieveable task without you..

You're not mine, and how bad i wish that you could be mine..

Bringing back.

It has been 58 days ago, Since i last meet and hear her . When the time i tried to make it clear ,
i've decided to bring everything to its end.

and now , i get to hear your voice again, the voice i been always awaiting, and now i finally get to hear it again. Although kinda outta words , but as long as i can hear ur voice, im freaking satisfied with it

you're still the only thing that would makes my emotional goes wrong, the one and the only one that makes my heart beating faster and faster.. i always ask other not to be emo , but when things happened on me, i still can't do it the same way i told other to.. sound kinda sad yeah?

i just can't believe that..i asked her "are you single?" .. and her reply was "yes"..
repugnant has shown, im glad she's still single , i might do stand a chance still ,
on the other side, she still haven't meet the 1 she loves, and i probably won't be the one,
so what can i do? and for what she told me, is that a hint again? or she's just entertaining me?
the only place i would hide from her is only this , she surely won't read my blog , that's why im writting all these out , and im not didn't respecting what she has told me , just i wanna write it out..so i can know what im having in my mind during this time

wait or not to wait , it's inside my hand , i thought i had everything let go , when she talked to me , everything has brought back to my mind and i just couldn't do anything else beside think ,
brain getting lazier to think , i just want an exact answer , and i will never have this answer.
times...i need times.....

...

when the time i see my mum dropped her tears , my heart broken , the disappointment in her eyes , i just couldn't do anything , what can i blame?